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Dear Ashley
I recently found out I have herpes and I’m not sure where I got it. I feel very lost and like I can’t date again because now that I know I feel obligated to disclose my diagnosis, but I’m also afraid I’ll be rejected. I have so much anxiety about it. If I share too soon, I feel like I am sabotaging myself because I get to tell the person “here are all my problems, now you can leave me.” Alternatively, I feel like I’m tricking people if I don’t share immediately. I need your advice.
Help!!
Ms. Anxiety
Dear Ms. Anxiety,
Did you know that 417 million people worldwide aged 15-49 are living with herpes? I’m willing to bet that most of them were anxious about disclosing their status, too. Disclosing that you have herpes is not easy because you never know how the other person will respond. But quiet as it’s kept, having herpes doesn’t have to end your sex or dating life. The key to disclosing any type of health status is to do so with confidence and preparation. You want to make sure before you have the “talk” with any potential lover that you are well versed and as educated on your condition as possible. Plan what you will say and practice it until the words feel comfortable in your mouth. Think about how your partner might respond because they will have questions and you need to be able to answer those questions with confidence and reassurance. Although there is no right or wrong time to disclose, I don’t recommend telling someone on the first date. Because why? First dates are for getting a feel for a person, not revealing intimate personal details. You don’t even know if you like them yet. So no need to share that type of information right off the bat. The only time you need to disclose your herpes status on a first date is if you’re planning to have sex. Otherwise, let them get to know you before you start sharing all of your business.
While it’s ideal to have these kinds of conversations in person, it’s understandable to be too nervous. So, texting can be an option. If you are unsure of what to say, here is a script you can use:
“Hey [Name]. I really like you and the time we’ve spent together. Before it becomes something physical, I want to let you know I have genital herpes.”
Share how you found out about your diagnosis and how long you’ve had it.
“I understand that you may have some questions and uncertainties, and I’m happy to answer any questions you may have. I really do hope that we can still get to know one another. I am looking forward to our next date.”
Another resource that might be helpful is the Facebook group “The Overcomers.” This group is for women only and serves as a safe space for encouragement, sharing experiences and a place to get your questions answered. It’s led by Belize Spivey, a black woman who calls herself the Herpes Life Coach. I also recommend reading books about living with herpes. Two books I found to be beneficial are The Good News About The Bad News and Dr. Ruth’s Guide to Talking About Herpes.
Remember you are not the only person in the world with Herpes. You can and will date again.
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