Dear Ashley: It’s Hard To Reach My Sexual Peak Without Having To Masturbate

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Dear Ashley,

I’ve never had an orgasm with my partner. I’ve been masturbating 2-3 times a day since I was 13-years-old, and can have multiple orgasms solely from touching myself, but I really want to be able to climax from sex.

Don’t get me wrong—sex feels good for me, and my boyfriend tries really hard to please me, but when he touches me I don’t respond the same as I do when I masturbate. We do lots of foreplay beforehand, he performs oral sex on me often, but it’s not the same. I’m just worried that my vagina is broken. Is this normal? What advice can you give me?

Sincerely,

Ms. Broken Vajayjay

Dear Ms. Broken Vajayjay,

First of all your pussy is not broken. Your body is just used to you having an orgasm one way. Masturbating often can train your brain and body to orgasm only when your body is stimulated a certain way. This is called idiosyncratic masturbatory style (IMS), according to the National Center for Biotechnology Information, and is defined as any masturbation method that isn’t easily duplicated by the partner’s hand, mouth, anus or vagina.

Despite what folks say, masturbating can often make it more difficult to orgasm during partnered sex, especially if you’re using a vibrator. Now, before you go freaking out on me, this can be fixed rather simply. Just stop masturbating. See? Simple. You don’t have to stop masturbating altogether or even for a long time, but you do need to put yourself in a quick time out. Refraining from masturbation and partnered sex for about a week will give your body enough downtime to build desire so you’ll be more easily stimulated the next time you drop down and get your eagle on.

Another suggestion is to teach your boyfriend how you like to be touched. Do you like your pussy stroked softly or aggressively? Do you like to be penetrated with one or two fingers? Or maybe no fingers at all. You know your own coochie like the back of your hand and you know precisely what to do with it. So show your man what you like. When you masturbate, do you use vibrators? If so, why are you not using them together as a couple? I have a salmon pink wand that is my go to sex toy for solo sessions.

In fact, if you were to go into my bedroom right now you would see it on my nightstand—I like to keep it handy. —And because I know that I like to get off using my wand, I almost always incorporate it into partnered sex. The orgasms are 100 percent more intense when someone else is using the toy on me rather than when I’m using it on myself. Show and tell him, Sis! Pull out your vibe. Be explicit. Tell him what you are doing and have him try it. You might have to guide his hand the first couple of times but he will eventually get it.

Dear Ashley is a weekly sex column where Sexpert Ashley Cobb answers your intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! Have a sex question, Ashley, “Your Favorite Friend In Filth,” has an answer. Email Ashley at ashley@sexwithashley.com

Ashley Cobb is the millennial microphone that brings the conversation of Black women’s pleasure to the forefront. Creator of digital platform Gossip And Gasms, her work and words have been featured in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Shape Magazine, Business Insider, and Huffington Post. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter via @sexwithashley